Things Are Not As They Seem

Is the argument really over squeezing the toothpaste tube in the middle? Is it really about someone leaving their dirty dishes in the sink? Normally, I would say yes, but after reading the chapter on Overcoming Gridlock in John Gottman’s book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, I know now that things are not as they seem. As I think of the perpetual problems that my husband and I encounter, I know now that it isn’t  about the dishes, the toothpaste, or whatever it is that the argument is about. It is about dreams of one or both of us that are not been realized or recognized. Gottman says “dreams are the hopes, aspirations, and wishes that are part of your identity and give purpose and meaning to your life” (238). On the surface the argument could be over something trivial but underneath there could be something much deeper. One thing that hit home was that Gottman says if we consider our spouse to be the problem, that is a sign of a hidden dream, and we probably don’t see our part in creating the problem.

 I really appreciated the direction Gottman gave in overcoming the gridlock (which means that a couple can’t find a way to work through the perpetual disagreements) that comes when dreams are not respected or realized. He says to talk; each one has 15 minutes to explain their situation and if it is too stressful the couple should use repairs to soothe each other. They can try to reach a temporary compromise, and afterward say thank you. It may take many sessions to overcome these problems but by understanding what they are really about will make it much easier. This concept has helped me to listen more closely to my husband when we are having a disagreement  so I can try to find what the real problem is.

The Perpetual Problem of Dinner Time

In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman teaches that it is ok to have conflict in marriage; in fact, he says “you don’t have to resolve your major marital conflicts for your marriage to thrive” (139). This might seem odd because aren’t we supposed to avoid conflict and live happily ever after? Having a happy marriage is based on how we deal with the problems that will come as two people try to fit their backgrounds, up-bringing, and temperaments together in a relationship. I especially appreciated the counsel on dealing with Perpetual Problems because my husband and I have some that have not been resolved for 46 years! The one that comes up most often is dinner time. My husband owns his own construction business and, especially during the summer, he works long hours to get the job completed. When I had children in the home, I would have dinner for them and when my husband came home, no matter what time, he would eat what I had put aside for him. Now that there is only the two of us as empty nesters, that doesn’t work so well for me. I want to have dinner at a reasonable hour so I can clean up the kitchen and go on with my evening. Over the years I have tried many different ideas on how we can resolve this (my) problem, but no success. I was alarmed to read in Gottman’s book that this could be a part of my life forever (because it has been for 46 years!) but fortunately he gave tips on how to keep these perpetual problems from eroding a marriage. He said that couples who have satisfying marriages despite problems have learned to keep them in their place and face them with humor. That is something I have yet to do! Gottman also says that instead of coping with the problem a couple can get gridlocked over it, which means they discuss it over and over without any resolution, which can lead to emotional disengagement.  The most significant thing Gottman says is the way to resolve these conflicts is to explore the hidden issues that are really causing the problem. As I thought about this, I see that the dinner time isn’t the real problem; it’s that I feel that my husband doesn’t think my time is valuable and he doesn’t appreciate that I work fulltime each day as well. Gottman concludes that this “needs to be addressed before you can put the problem in its place. I will certainly keep this in mind when dinner time rolls around tomorrow!

Flat Tires and Grapefruit

What relationship is there between flat tires and grapefruit? One word: criticism. H Wallace Goddard said in his book Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, “Appreciating is more powerful than correcting. Appreciation inflates the tires on which we travel. Criticism is a slow leak in those tires” (77).  If you Google “slow leaks” it says that driving with a slow leak is dangerous because it can cause a flat tire, and when the tire is flat it can become a “blowout hazard.”  Criticism can cause a relationship to go flat, and even worse, cause it to blowup, or end. The big question is why does it seem easier to find fault than to see the good in a person? Personally, I remember something I learned in a Family Relations class, which is to be aware of HALT; that is, when I am Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired I tend to find fault with almost anything that my husband might say or do, poor man! I have to try to think before I speak, and mentally review what is going on in my life at the moment and try to adjust myself, rather than him, so our relationship doesn’t have a blowout. Goddard lists several ideas to keep our relationship free of blowouts. He said in the chapter “Humility and Repentance” that we can set our partner up for success by accepting our partner’s habits and helping with those that annoy us, rather than criticizing. We can make allowances for our partners and cut them a little slack, and we can stop trying to micromanage our partner. Notice that all of these require US to make a change, not our partner.

Where does the grapefruit come in?  Goddard included a story in his chapter that I heard many years ago and have thought of often. It is of a woman who read in a magazine that she and her new husband should regularly tell each other of things that they find annoying about the other person. They were to list 5 things and she said she didn’t like the way he eats his grapefruit; he would peel it like an orange! When it was his turn to tell what he found annoying about her, he said he couldn’t think of anything that he didn’t like about her. She of course was devastated and from this she learned that her marriage could be sweeter if she didn’t focus on her husband’s faults. When she heard of couples who were having marital problems, she wondered if they were suffering from the Grapefruit Syndrome. When I find that I am focusing on the silly things that my husband does that irritate me, rather than the good things he does for me, I remind myself that I have Grapefruit Syndrome and I need to turn to my Heavenly Father for help to change myself. The Prophet Joseph Smith said, “The nearer we get to our Heavenly Father, the more we are disposed to look with compassion on perishing souls.” Goddard applies that to spouses as well, and it especially applies to empty nesters. They may be spending more time together than they did when they were focused on starting a career and raising a family, and may find out things about each other they didn't know. Compassion and patience is very important as the empty nesters move into the next stage of their lives.

Is Love All We Need?

When I went to Belfast, Northern Ireland in 2017 with my high school choir, we visited one of the “Peace Walls,” walls that were put up  in 1969 to divide the Republicans and Loyalists who were engaged in violence toward each other. In time the violence died down and gates have been put in so people can go back and forth, but the walls are a reminder of how feelings and emotions can divide a city. It was quite an emotional experience. While we were at the wall we were able to sign our names on it and I saw this particular spot and added my name there, because sometimes All We Need Is Love.

I was reminded of this as I read in John Gottman’s book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Workabout the concept of turning toward your spouse and making “bids” for his or her attention, love, and support. I think we do this so subconsciously that we don’t realize that is what we are doing, and surely don’t realize how important the response is to the bids that are made. These bids, if offered and received in the right way, can tear down walls that may be dividing a couple.  Gottman said “One virtue of turning toward each other is that it is so easy to accomplish. It only takes a small gesture to lead to another and then another” (p.  89). A bid can be as simple as sending an encouraging text, fixing a favorite meal, or chatting about the day, and this will encourage more of the same kind of connecting.  

But what happens if a bid comes in a negative form and causes a spouse to be defensive? This is where all you need is love! By that I mean you need to do as Gottman suggested: “ Pause for a moment and search for a bid underneath your partner’s harsh words. Then, focus on the bid not the delivery” (p. 92). Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt and don’t make matters worse by responding back in a negative way. Unfortunately when I am stressed my bids to my husband can be passive aggressive or disguised in a negative way, so I am trying to use Gottman’s words: Pause before I speak, Search for words that are kind, and Focus on what I need rather than what I feel he isn’t providing.

I love what Brother H. Wallace Goddard said about marriage: “Marriage is full of tempests in teapots. We bristle over our partner’s word choice or disinterest in our story. We fret and complain about this purchase or that insensitivity. We grumble about a chore neglected or a kindness unappreciated… {but} when we have vibrant faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, we know that the irritations and challenges of marriage are blessings intended to develop our character” (Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, p. 57, 59). So, Love Is All We Need as long as it is combined with faith, thoughtfulness, patience, and understanding so we can keep walls from going up in our marriage.