Marriages Are Meant To Last Forever

Great marriages are built brick by brick, day after day, over a lifetime.

And that is good news.

Because no matter how flat your relationship may be at the present, if you keep adding pebbles of kindness, compassion, listening, sacrifice, understanding, and selflessness, eventually a mighty pyramid will begin to grow.

If it appears to take forever, remember: happy marriages are meant to last forever.” – President Dieter F. Uchtdorf | In Praise of Those Who Save

President Uchtdorf’s words echo those of John Gottman in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. He said “Getting to know your spouse better and sharing your inner self with your partner is an ongoing process. In fact, it’s a lifelong process” (p.66). President Uchtdorf mentions several ways that we can build a good marriage, but Gottman suggests two things that are crucial in a marriage: fondness and admiration. What does that mean and how do we cultivate those elements? According to Gottman. “the key to reinvigorating fondness and admiration is to get in the habit of scanning for qualities and actions that you can appreciate” (p. 71).

 When I read Gottman’s words I thought of an old song called “Accentuate the Positive.” The first verse says:

                        You’ve got to accentuate the positive

                        Eliminate the negative

                        Latch on to the affirmative

                        Don’t mess with Mister In-Between

There may be days that we can only find small things that are positive about our spouse and there may be days that we have to think hard to find anything positive about our spouse, but by thinking about them we aren’t thinking about ourselves and the needs we think they are not meeting.  And by thinking about them, the good things they do and the good people they are will come readily to our mind. Since I have been thinking about this concept I have been more aware of how I speak and what I say to my husband. He has some habits that really drive me crazy (and I know I have some that he doesn’t care for either!), one being his driving. But over the week when we have been in the car together, I have tried very hard not to “pinprick” as President Spencer W. Kimball called it, and instead tried to focus on something positive. It makes for a more pleasant drive, even though we have missed a couple of exits because I wasn’t “front seat driving” for him. Criticism is a habit that takes a lot of awareness to break. Finding positive things about my husband can form a new habit and help to ensure that our marriage can last forever.

Mind The Gap!

If you have taken the subway, or underground, in London you are familiar with a voice telling you to “mind the gap,” which is a warning to be aware of the space between the train and the platform. If you are not careful you can lose your footing as you step on or off the train.

In his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work John M. Gottman tells of ways a couple can lose their footing in their marriage. He calls them “The Four Horsemen.” He said, “Certain kinds of negativity, if allowed to run rampant, are so lethal to a relationship that I call them The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” At first glance this seems pretty bleak and discouraging, but after studying the first chapters of his book, I realize that by recognizing ways that we might respond negatively to someone, we can correct ourselves and strengthen that relationship.

Last night one of the Horsemen came galloping into my relationship with my husband. I enjoy decorating my house for fall and have little lights wrapped around some of the decorations.  As we were going to bed I told my husband that the lights were on timers so they would go off on their own. He said, “well, I guess they aren’t using too much electricity.”  I immediately became defensive and stomped around the house turning the lights off—until I remembered they were battery operated and were not using any electricity at all!

From this silly incident I was reminded how easy it is to respond negatively and how important it is to respond with love. Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin said in the 2007 General Conference of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, “The most cherished and sacred moments of our lives are those filled with the spirit of love. The greater the measure of our love, the greater is our joy. In the end, the development of such love is the true measure of success in life” (The Great Commandment).

What can you do to “mind the gap” in your relationships so you don’t lose your footing? What can you do to have the kind of successful life that Elder Wirthlin speaks of?

Marriage: A Contract Or A Covenant?

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During the summer I happened to watch a tv show called Married At First Sight, a reality show in which men and women apply to be matched up with another person, supposedly someone they are compatible with, by a team of marriage counselors and psychologists. The three couples chosen met each other for the first time at the altar on their wedding day where they were legally married. For the next eight weeks they get to know each other, and at the end of the eight weeks they have to make a decision; do they stay together, or do they get a divorce. Because it is was such a preposterous idea for a show I continued to watch it occasionally to see what was happening with the couples, and as next week is when they have to decide whether to stay or go, this week was full of contemplation, reflection, and bitter arguments.

After watching the show I thought of Elder Bruce Hafen’s words: Is a marriage “based on a contract or a covenant” (“Covenant Marriage,” Ensign, 1996).  He continues, “When troubles come, the parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away.” Many times a marriage breaks up because one is not committed to the other but only to their own interests. In my Marriage and Family Studies classes I have learned that individualism is the cause of many marital issues; that is, thinking about “me” rather than “we.”  On the other hand, Hafen said that in a covenant marriage the husband and wife work through troubles and “marry to give and to grow.” There would be no walking away when times get tough.

How do we teach young people to prepare for a covenant marriage? Can they see through the shallowness of the reality show mentioned earlier and others like it that make commitment look less than desirable? One of the ways to help those who will soon be looking for a mate is to be an example. Elder David A. Bednar said, “As men and women, as husbands and wives, and as Church leaders, one of our paramount responsibilities is to help young men and women learn about and prepare for righteous marriage through our personal example.   As young people notice that we have made the comfort and convenience of our eternal companion our highest priority, then they will become less self-centered and more able to give, to serve, and to create an equal and enduring companionship (“Marriage Is Essential to His Eternal Plan,”Ensign, 2006).

Change Is Hard

 For days after my youngest child left home I wandered around my quiet, empty house, wondering what I was going to do with myself now. I realized that even though I didn't spend time physically driving my son places because he could drive himself, I spent a lot of emotional and mental energy worrying if he got to school on time (he had to be at school every morning at 6:30 for Chamber Choir rehearsal), if he passed the test he was worried about, or if he got his homework done. Of course I still have concerns for all of my grown children but it's not the same as when they were at home. Change IS hard. Deciding what to do now that the stage of raising children is over is hard,especially for mothers.

 Another hard change for some was the Supreme Court ruling on same-sex marriage. As an assignment for a marriage class I am taking from Brigham Young University-Idaho I reviewed the Supreme Court ruling on same-sex marriage. These are my thoughts:

Justice Anthony Kennedy of the majority opinion gave four reasons why the fundamental right to marry applies to same-sex couples: (1) The right to personal choice regarding marriage is inherent in the concept of individual autonomy (2) The right to marry is fundamental because it supports a two person union unlike any other in its  importance to the committed individuals, (3) Marriage safeguards children and families and draws meaning from related rights of child bearing, procreation and education, and (4) Marriage is a keystone of our social order. I think nearly everyone would agree with these statements. The issue as I understand it, is as Judge John Roberts stated in his opposing opinion: “Whether same-sex marriage is a good idea should be of no concern to us. Under the Constitution, judges have power to say what the law is, not what it should be.” Justice Clarence Thomas said in his opposing opinion that “Liberty has long been understood as individual freedom from governmental action, not as a right to a particular governmental entitlement.” As a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints I uphold the counsel in The Family: A Proclamation to The World in that “We call upon responsible citizens and officers of government everywhere to promote those measures designed to maintain and strengthen the family as the fundamental unit of society.” It is our duty to speak up in kindness and open-mindedness so  families in generations to come can enjoy the freedom and opportunity that our great country offers.

At the Time I Didn't Think It Was Possible

Just enough for a Nativity Scene 1979!
 Our fifth child came a few years later

Many years ago when I had 4 children under the age of six, someone told me there would come a time when I would wish to relive this stage of my life. At the time I didn't think it was possible because of the diapers, sleepless night, and general chaos I was enjoying at the time. But,now that it has been several years since my youngest child has left our home and my husband and I are "empty nesters," I  find that I sometimes long for those messy and noisy days.

For a couple who is in the midst of providing for and raising a family, planning for when there won't be children in the home is  unthinkable. The National Center for Family and Marriage Research has indicated that "couples who are age 50 or older were twice as likely to divorce in 2015 as in 1990." One explanation that researchers have found for this is "empty nest syndrome." What can happen is when parents are busy with their children they may not nurture their own relationship; they may put problems on the back burner due to concerns with the family; they may find other interests; and  when the children are gone the couple may know themselves better as mom and dad than husband and wife.It takes effort to keep a marriage healthy so when it is just two again it will be a satisfying time of life.