In-laws or Out-laws

The in-law, extended family situation has always been interesting to me. I have only one brother and I married into a family of 8 children. My parents were divorced and my mother, brother and I lived with my grandparents who helped raise me while my mother taught school. My husband grew up with a domineering Italian Catholic father and a mother who was a member of our Church. Because of these totally different backgrounds, it was quite a challenge for me to feel comfortable around my husband’s family. I always felt lucky that we didn’t live near them during the first part of our marriage, but now I understand that perhaps I could have made a better connection with them if I had been around them more. Unfortunately, when we were with the family it was easy for my husband to fall back into his position as son and brother and I never felt that we were considered to be a new family of our own.

There is only one girl in my husband’s family and her husband has had the challenge of integrating with her brothers. He and I have always had a joke that we aren’t the in-laws, we are the out-laws, because he seemed to feel as out of place as I did. Now my husband and I live in the same town as 5 of his siblings and their families and we have managed to sort out the relationships and I feel very blessed to have some of them in my life.

I tried to keep all of this in mind as my children married because I wanted to have a better relationship with their spouses than I did with my mother and father in-law. Again, they come from different backgrounds and religions, or lack of religion, but rather than see this as a negative thing I appreciate what they add to our family.

Council Together Often

Over my many years of marriage I have learned the importance of a couple counseling together, even if it is just talking. I have experienced what happens when you don’t talk, and I know the blessing of truly working together in making decisions that benefit both my husband and me. I agree with Elder Craven’s words about the meeting of the Quorum of the Twelve: “They strive to feel the manifestations of the Spirit concerning the item being discussed, which may necessitate a change in their own feelings and thought in order to be in harmony with the entire Council” (Called to the Work, 111-13.).  Letting discussion continue until there is a consensus, not a compromise, is the best counsel for any couple. How many times do we feel like we have to give in to keep the peace, or we feel our thoughts and feelings are not being heard and we just stop participating in the discussion.

I interviewed one of my sisters-in-law for the parenting activity, and the concept that she said kept her marriage strong after the birth of her first child was that she and her husband counseled or talked about the change in their relationship and their needs. Instead of her husband feeling left out and perhaps even angry as so much of her attention was turned toward the baby, he talked to her about his feelings, and she worked harder to include him in the experience of having a new born, and also made sure that the intimate relationship they had before the baby came was nurtured as well. She talked with him as well about the changes that she was experiencing and together they learned how to go from a couple to a family of three. I feel they are as Elder L. Tom Perry said, “They are united together in word, in deed, and in action as they lead, guide, and direct their family unit” (Ensign, May 2004 p. 71).

Fidelity and the Empty Nest

When I was younger and would hear of couples who had been married for many years were getting a divorce, I wondered how that could happen. I thought that after 30 or even 40 years of marriage they should have all the “bugs” out of their relationship by then.  Now that I have been married for 46 years and have been an empty nester for quite a few years, I realize that as we go through the various stages of life, we must be vigilant in keeping our marriage strong. President Spencer W. Kimball said it best in his book Faith Precedes the Miracle: “The Lord says in no uncertain terms: ‘Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else.’  The words non-else eliminate everyone and everything. The spouse then becomes preeminent in the life of the husband or wife, an neither social life or occupational life nor political life nor any other interest nor person nor thing shall take precedence over the companion spouse” (142-43). To remain faithful to a spouse must continue to be in the forefront of any couple’s relationship, regardless of how many years they have been married. When the children leave the nest and the parents, especially the mother, have more time to devote to other people and other activities, this is when it is so important to do as President Kimball counsels: nothing should take precedence over the companion. Just because a couple has been married for many years, as Elder David A. Bednar said: “Marital status in and of itself does not exempt or automatically protect a man or a woman from temptations related to the law of chastity” (Moral Purity, BYU-I Dev., Jan. 7, 2003).  Even if a man or woman say they would never be tempted to have a physical relationship with someone while married to their spouse,  they may not think of the dangers of emotional and spiritual infidelity, which occurs, as Kenneth W. Matheson said in an article in the September 2009 issue of the Ensign, “when emotions and thoughts are focused on someone other than a spouse.” If we aren't careful we can find that a harmless friendship can grow to something more, even physical infidelity.  And how can we keep this from happening? No matter how many years a couple has been married they need to do as President Howard W. Hunter said, “Be faithful in your marriage covenants in thought, word, and deed” (Conference Report, Oct 1994).