Is Love All We Need?

When I went to Belfast, Northern Ireland in 2017 with my high school choir, we visited one of the “Peace Walls,” walls that were put up  in 1969 to divide the Republicans and Loyalists who were engaged in violence toward each other. In time the violence died down and gates have been put in so people can go back and forth, but the walls are a reminder of how feelings and emotions can divide a city. It was quite an emotional experience. While we were at the wall we were able to sign our names on it and I saw this particular spot and added my name there, because sometimes All We Need Is Love.

I was reminded of this as I read in John Gottman’s book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Workabout the concept of turning toward your spouse and making “bids” for his or her attention, love, and support. I think we do this so subconsciously that we don’t realize that is what we are doing, and surely don’t realize how important the response is to the bids that are made. These bids, if offered and received in the right way, can tear down walls that may be dividing a couple.  Gottman said “One virtue of turning toward each other is that it is so easy to accomplish. It only takes a small gesture to lead to another and then another” (p.  89). A bid can be as simple as sending an encouraging text, fixing a favorite meal, or chatting about the day, and this will encourage more of the same kind of connecting.  

But what happens if a bid comes in a negative form and causes a spouse to be defensive? This is where all you need is love! By that I mean you need to do as Gottman suggested: “ Pause for a moment and search for a bid underneath your partner’s harsh words. Then, focus on the bid not the delivery” (p. 92). Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt and don’t make matters worse by responding back in a negative way. Unfortunately when I am stressed my bids to my husband can be passive aggressive or disguised in a negative way, so I am trying to use Gottman’s words: Pause before I speak, Search for words that are kind, and Focus on what I need rather than what I feel he isn’t providing.

I love what Brother H. Wallace Goddard said about marriage: “Marriage is full of tempests in teapots. We bristle over our partner’s word choice or disinterest in our story. We fret and complain about this purchase or that insensitivity. We grumble about a chore neglected or a kindness unappreciated… {but} when we have vibrant faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, we know that the irritations and challenges of marriage are blessings intended to develop our character” (Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, p. 57, 59). So, Love Is All We Need as long as it is combined with faith, thoughtfulness, patience, and understanding so we can keep walls from going up in our marriage.