Flat Tires and Grapefruit

What relationship is there between flat tires and grapefruit? One word: criticism. H Wallace Goddard said in his book Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, “Appreciating is more powerful than correcting. Appreciation inflates the tires on which we travel. Criticism is a slow leak in those tires” (77).  If you Google “slow leaks” it says that driving with a slow leak is dangerous because it can cause a flat tire, and when the tire is flat it can become a “blowout hazard.”  Criticism can cause a relationship to go flat, and even worse, cause it to blowup, or end. The big question is why does it seem easier to find fault than to see the good in a person? Personally, I remember something I learned in a Family Relations class, which is to be aware of HALT; that is, when I am Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired I tend to find fault with almost anything that my husband might say or do, poor man! I have to try to think before I speak, and mentally review what is going on in my life at the moment and try to adjust myself, rather than him, so our relationship doesn’t have a blowout. Goddard lists several ideas to keep our relationship free of blowouts. He said in the chapter “Humility and Repentance” that we can set our partner up for success by accepting our partner’s habits and helping with those that annoy us, rather than criticizing. We can make allowances for our partners and cut them a little slack, and we can stop trying to micromanage our partner. Notice that all of these require US to make a change, not our partner.

Where does the grapefruit come in?  Goddard included a story in his chapter that I heard many years ago and have thought of often. It is of a woman who read in a magazine that she and her new husband should regularly tell each other of things that they find annoying about the other person. They were to list 5 things and she said she didn’t like the way he eats his grapefruit; he would peel it like an orange! When it was his turn to tell what he found annoying about her, he said he couldn’t think of anything that he didn’t like about her. She of course was devastated and from this she learned that her marriage could be sweeter if she didn’t focus on her husband’s faults. When she heard of couples who were having marital problems, she wondered if they were suffering from the Grapefruit Syndrome. When I find that I am focusing on the silly things that my husband does that irritate me, rather than the good things he does for me, I remind myself that I have Grapefruit Syndrome and I need to turn to my Heavenly Father for help to change myself. The Prophet Joseph Smith said, “The nearer we get to our Heavenly Father, the more we are disposed to look with compassion on perishing souls.” Goddard applies that to spouses as well, and it especially applies to empty nesters. They may be spending more time together than they did when they were focused on starting a career and raising a family, and may find out things about each other they didn't know. Compassion and patience is very important as the empty nesters move into the next stage of their lives.