The Perpetual Problem of Dinner Time

In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman teaches that it is ok to have conflict in marriage; in fact, he says “you don’t have to resolve your major marital conflicts for your marriage to thrive” (139). This might seem odd because aren’t we supposed to avoid conflict and live happily ever after? Having a happy marriage is based on how we deal with the problems that will come as two people try to fit their backgrounds, up-bringing, and temperaments together in a relationship. I especially appreciated the counsel on dealing with Perpetual Problems because my husband and I have some that have not been resolved for 46 years! The one that comes up most often is dinner time. My husband owns his own construction business and, especially during the summer, he works long hours to get the job completed. When I had children in the home, I would have dinner for them and when my husband came home, no matter what time, he would eat what I had put aside for him. Now that there is only the two of us as empty nesters, that doesn’t work so well for me. I want to have dinner at a reasonable hour so I can clean up the kitchen and go on with my evening. Over the years I have tried many different ideas on how we can resolve this (my) problem, but no success. I was alarmed to read in Gottman’s book that this could be a part of my life forever (because it has been for 46 years!) but fortunately he gave tips on how to keep these perpetual problems from eroding a marriage. He said that couples who have satisfying marriages despite problems have learned to keep them in their place and face them with humor. That is something I have yet to do! Gottman also says that instead of coping with the problem a couple can get gridlocked over it, which means they discuss it over and over without any resolution, which can lead to emotional disengagement.  The most significant thing Gottman says is the way to resolve these conflicts is to explore the hidden issues that are really causing the problem. As I thought about this, I see that the dinner time isn’t the real problem; it’s that I feel that my husband doesn’t think my time is valuable and he doesn’t appreciate that I work fulltime each day as well. Gottman concludes that this “needs to be addressed before you can put the problem in its place. I will certainly keep this in mind when dinner time rolls around tomorrow!