Things Are Not As They Seem

Is the argument really over squeezing the toothpaste tube in the middle? Is it really about someone leaving their dirty dishes in the sink? Normally, I would say yes, but after reading the chapter on Overcoming Gridlock in John Gottman’s book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, I know now that things are not as they seem. As I think of the perpetual problems that my husband and I encounter, I know now that it isn’t  about the dishes, the toothpaste, or whatever it is that the argument is about. It is about dreams of one or both of us that are not been realized or recognized. Gottman says “dreams are the hopes, aspirations, and wishes that are part of your identity and give purpose and meaning to your life” (238). On the surface the argument could be over something trivial but underneath there could be something much deeper. One thing that hit home was that Gottman says if we consider our spouse to be the problem, that is a sign of a hidden dream, and we probably don’t see our part in creating the problem.

 I really appreciated the direction Gottman gave in overcoming the gridlock (which means that a couple can’t find a way to work through the perpetual disagreements) that comes when dreams are not respected or realized. He says to talk; each one has 15 minutes to explain their situation and if it is too stressful the couple should use repairs to soothe each other. They can try to reach a temporary compromise, and afterward say thank you. It may take many sessions to overcome these problems but by understanding what they are really about will make it much easier. This concept has helped me to listen more closely to my husband when we are having a disagreement  so I can try to find what the real problem is.